Mourning my smile

I feel the pain
Of one who cannot speak
Suffering alone
Because we are weak
I cry out loud
But can you hear the death
Of The Innocent One

As much as these lyrics are about the death and crucification of Jesus Christ, they are rather effective of reflecting how I feel today.

Why on earth is it that your loved one is usually the one hurting you the most, so frequently?

Last night, I was told I have anger issues because I got upset that the dog shat on my carpet shortly after I took him out to do his business. Seriously.

And then it got escalated, how this has been "an issue for weeks now" and how I'm completely "intolerant of everything and everyone".

These statements are pretty bold, coming from someone who's an emotional wreck because her parents and sister are fuckups, who keep raping me and each other over and over with money and emotions. The statements are bold coming from someone who never has anything good to say about me when she's with her friends.

And then she said "Your sister was right, you are mean."

When did my sister say this? After I was the only one to offer any sort of support when she landed in hospital, was the only family member to visit her there? And after sitting with them with a huge smile on my face, happy to see my family at my parents house, not busy fighting with each other? After I decided to not ask my hairdresser mom to cut my hair, as she has exclusively and proudly have done for the past 32 years, because she's suffering with her back and arthritis.

I barely spoke 5 words with any of them, having a nice conversation with my misunderstood brother-in-law instead.

My blood pressure is perfect, 120/78. My heart rate is 68 beats per minute - Textbook. I'm calm by nature. None of my vitals are elevated. Stress at work is reasonable. So what would make me so "mean" and "irrational"?

Misinterpretation of irritation with a dog that shat on the carpet. That's what.

Women need to learn how men work. Irritation does not equate to anger.

Thanks for stealing my smile once again.

Random thought: No arguments have ever been had with my motorbikes.