What I need

I need you to not see another man the way you see me. I want you to think that I'm the most attractive man in the world, because your love makes you blind to anyone else.

But I can't have that, because I'm not that.

Skets

Woorde. Gedigte, boeke, voordrag, musiek.

Ek kan nie teken, beeldhou, of verf nie. Ek het nooit goed gedoen in sport nie. Woorde was al wat ek gehad het. Die meeste van die tyd was die woorde tussen ek en myself, ek het feitlik elke wakende oomblik op my eie spandeer.

Nie veel het verander as volwassene nie, woorde is steeds al wat ek het om myself mee uit te druk. Dit is moeilik wanneer jy 'n kunstenaar binne het wat skree vir uitlaat, en jy het nie die wyse om hom te laat uitkom nie, daar is geen kanvas om op te werk nie, behalwe vir pen op papier.

Dit is 'n gevangenis, my siel worstel met my bewussein, hulle kan nie gelyktydig praat nie.

En dan wil my hart nog sy sê inkry ook. Vanaand rol die woorde soos water teen 'n berghang af, maar my hand kan net een stem op 'n slag neerskryf, my tong strompel oor die magdom woorde wat soos 'n skare toesak op my lippe.

Daar is vuur in my beendere, daar is 'n tier toegesluit in my hart. Die stamp boor in my kop maak die grootste lawaai, en my liggaan stoei om alles bymekaar te hou.

Ek wil skree uit frustrasie, ek wil gil oor my verknouing. Ek lyk beskadig, ek blyk stukkend en verweer. Dit kom voor of die oorloë van generasies voor my afgespeel het, dog het ek slegs die berigte gelees.
Gelees. Lees. Woorde. Al wat ek het, is woorde. My woorde, my enigste kuns, my afleiding en toevlug. My waarheid. My woorde, bied ek aan jou.

Daar waar die son opkom
Daar het ek gewag
Om die strale te sien op die dou?
Refleksies van die blare?
Nee
Ek staan en wag
Om jou te sien
Die lig op jou hare
Jou melkwit vel
Jou diep blou oë
Wat die son soos skadu laat lyk
Daar waar die son onder gaan
Daar staan ek en wag
Om jou in my arms te omvou
Jou met my liefde te bad
Tussen sonop en sons ondergang
Stap ek tussen die bome
Saam met jou

Ek is toegewy aan jou. My hart behoort aan jou. My siel smag na jou. My liggaam vra na jou aanraking. My mond praat van jou. In woorde, my enigste kuns. Van my liefde. Vir jou.

Ek het jou lief.

Wishes

I wish I was worthy of you.

I see how  I am in excess. I see how I am not what you want, how I am not what you deserve. How I am not worthy.

Newsworthy

I got news that I'm moving on to a new client on the 1st of May. RMB has been wonderful to work at, and I shall miss my colleagues terribly.

However the new position is exciting and I have a great challenge ahead as their Technical Architect (dropping titles here for dramatic effect), so I'm happy about the new assignment. It has been two and a half years after all.

Random though: Do what you will, cause a pirate is free.

When the night comes down

As the light starts to dim
The fear closes in
And the nightmares begin

I'm sleeping alone tonight, left to my own voice and devastation. It's not going too well. Wonder when this is going to end, it's been raging for months now.

I just want it to leave me alone.

There is violence in my chest

What do you see when you look at me?

A disgusting, revolting, miserable excuse for a man, with over sized nose, slimy green eyes and a pathetic face deserving nothing but to be pounded in repeatedly with a hammer.

You see a weak, malformed creature with no purpose other than to bring misery to everyone around him. A monstrosity that is too weird to live and too rare to die.

You see an abomination.

You see a piece of shit.

Whispers

Razor sharp blades
Beneath the surface
Blue pebbles
Running scared in my veins
Lightning strikes
Bolts through my heart
Burns my skin
Glowing red eyes
Peering at me
From me
Acid words flow forth
From a silent voice
With hot steel hooks
Claws at my soul
A harsh brutal hate
From within

A gentle soft voice
Glowing white skin
Eyes with compassion
You are a beautiful light
In my ugly darkened world

Catching up

August last year, I went to Germany, to the Wacken Open Air Festival.

It was the most enjoyable, and most painful, experience of my life. I went with two friends, Nick and Shereen, the significant other did not accompany me, since metal isn't her thing.

Enjoyable:
I got to see bands that I have been listening to for decades. Matt Barlow's last show with Iced Earth before retiring, Judas Priest's last show ever, Ozzy Osbourne, Blind Guardian, Avanantasia, Motorhead - This was one incredible show. I met wonderful people, made some awesome new friends, and saw a country for how a country should be. I love Germany.

Painful:
I realised that my relationship with Bianca was on the rocks. The voice inside was loud and destructive, eating me up and spitting me out over and over. Upon my return to South Africa, Bianca and I went to see a family therapist. The therapist helped me see that I really was the problem in our relationship. I no longer added any meaning to their lives, and I needed to leave. So September 2011, I moved out.

The band recorded a demo in March, titled Chastity. We've submitted it on the RoadRunner Records SignMeTo website, let's see what happens.

In February this year, I started dating a wonderful woman.

The problem? The voice is still there, loud and extremely obvious. I hate myself. I am polluting her with my filth. I don't deserve the air I breathe.



Random thought: Save a little prayer for the fallen one.

Mourning my smile

I feel the pain
Of one who cannot speak
Suffering alone
Because we are weak
I cry out loud
But can you hear the death
Of The Innocent One

As much as these lyrics are about the death and crucification of Jesus Christ, they are rather effective of reflecting how I feel today.

Why on earth is it that your loved one is usually the one hurting you the most, so frequently?

Last night, I was told I have anger issues because I got upset that the dog shat on my carpet shortly after I took him out to do his business. Seriously.

And then it got escalated, how this has been "an issue for weeks now" and how I'm completely "intolerant of everything and everyone".

These statements are pretty bold, coming from someone who's an emotional wreck because her parents and sister are fuckups, who keep raping me and each other over and over with money and emotions. The statements are bold coming from someone who never has anything good to say about me when she's with her friends.

And then she said "Your sister was right, you are mean."

When did my sister say this? After I was the only one to offer any sort of support when she landed in hospital, was the only family member to visit her there? And after sitting with them with a huge smile on my face, happy to see my family at my parents house, not busy fighting with each other? After I decided to not ask my hairdresser mom to cut my hair, as she has exclusively and proudly have done for the past 32 years, because she's suffering with her back and arthritis.

I barely spoke 5 words with any of them, having a nice conversation with my misunderstood brother-in-law instead.

My blood pressure is perfect, 120/78. My heart rate is 68 beats per minute - Textbook. I'm calm by nature. None of my vitals are elevated. Stress at work is reasonable. So what would make me so "mean" and "irrational"?

Misinterpretation of irritation with a dog that shat on the carpet. That's what.

Women need to learn how men work. Irritation does not equate to anger.

Thanks for stealing my smile once again.

Random thought: No arguments have ever been had with my motorbikes.