The unseen terror

Slipping into music again, letting it carry me over the hills and far away, beyond the valleys of sleep and the boundaries of mankind. The place where I am free to be me, where pain can't touch me and I can not disappoint.

Random thought: When in doubt, run.

Demons are living in my ear

In June 2005, I went to a theophostic counselling session, which freed me from demons that prevented me from being happy. At least, so I thought. That Sunday evening, I slept on the floor, a pain in my chest so agonizing that I could barely breathe. I could not bear lying on the same bed as Taryn, I felt so insignificant.

That feeling of being lost and utmost pain is the result of an inner affliction, something I have done since I was about 9 or 10. I hated myself so much, nothing that anyone could ever tell me could hurt me more than the way I could.

About two weeks ago, it came back. I cried so hard on the bed. It was because I believe I am the reason that Taryn has depression. She’s hurting so much, and it’s my fault.

So it has been haunting me again. And last night, I couldn’t sleep. Sleep has always been my only release from the pain, but it didn’t go away. It woke me up to hurt me. I used to hate myself, and I was free for two years. Now the hate is back, and it’s heavier than I remember. I can’t stand myself, I don’t like a single thing about how I look, how I play drums, how I eat or drink, I dislike every last aspect of my existence.

I’m so scared of hurting Bianca. She’s all I’ve ever dreamed of, and I know that, in time, she will learn to hate me too.

I really don’t want to live any longer.